The one where she talks of everything, and nothing at all.

Empty promises to return to the blogging front lines have begun to gather dust.

Have you ever been so far into the middle of the storm that you begin to wonder if you've lost your footing, perhaps stumbled into some alternate reality?

I'm there.  I've been there for a while now.  While the landscape is vaguely familiar, I have yet to acquaint myself with it.  It's populated by the people who have always occupied the cast list in my life; to the positive of that, some have been unwittingly blessed, and saved from being typecast as villains, instead taking on the roles of sound reason and closest to heart.  Of them I which I could talk more, but unfortunately there are plot devices still at large that could easily ruin the ending.

The children.  My beautiful Kinder Major and Bug. Snow white, and her excitement to see me when she comes in the door.  Blueberry Night, a character in a new role, so... lost.  The children are also left to the devices of the writers.  They are the ultimate balm for my troubled heart, but the source of the trouble is the trials they're forced to endure.

I know, I know... you're reading this and thinking "Jesus god, could she lay the rhetoric on any thicker?  Mayhap we could call Tammy Fay on over to give her a few tips on the womanly art of slathering."

I won't lie - I'm feeling a little 'mo.  I can't talk about the most important developments in my life right now, because they're intrinsically linked to the most devastating ones.  While not as "bad" as the hardships that friends and family are enduring, they have a profound effect on four small, beautiful souls.  I'm helpless, and stuck in a stalemate with the universe.  Were I in my ancestral home, you'd find me leaving fry bread and beer at the closest rock cairn.  However, I doubt that the Tuatha De have deigned to follow my family this far and this long.   No, if there is cosmic mischief about, it's coming from far newer tricksters.

There I go again, with the rhetoric.

Tonight, this morning, right this second with my fingers on the keyboard, my stomach is churning, my head is pounding, my teeth are aching, and my eyes are burning.  When I tried to sleep, I found myself doing so in tiny snippets that left me more tired than I was when I started out.

In t-5:00 hours, I take Bug to see the pediatric geneticist.  At 19 months, he is 21 lbs and 29".  It was a fight to get him where he is - olive oil in everything savory, coconut oil in everything sweet.  Balancing out proteins and fats to protect his kidneys and gallbladder.  Strictly monitoring the ingredients of everything that goes into his mouth, cutting out all dairy in any incarnation.  Powdered prescription formula derived from amino acids, re-constituted with vanilla rice milk to mask the taste.

He has only just begun walking in the past two weeks, and his verbal accomplishments are definitely behind the standard milestones.

Frightening possibilities have been thrown down on the table.  Possibilities that, should they become realities, will leave me wondering when I will have to bury my son, or possibly worse, how often I will have to sit with him in hospital as he receives painful treatments to create some semblance of a normal existence.

I sit here, typing this while I watch him sleep in his pack and play, with tears running down my cheeks whenever I think too hard about the implications of the fact that we've made it to this clinic to begin with.

As a woman, not a mother, not a fiance, not a step mother to Blueberry Nights, I've doubted my faith.

When Bug was conceived, I was unsure.  His pregnancy was fraught with difficulties, from a placental abruption in the first trimester he never should have lived through, to his rocky induction at 36w5d.  When his other biological contributor showed his dangerous and sadistic true self, I was angry.  I hated myself and I hated Bug for existing.  I hated him because he was a very prominent reminder of the danger I placed Kinder Major in, of my poor ability to judge one's character.  I hated him, because there I was again - single, alone, with no one that wanted any of us.

It's a hard thing, to go through a pregnancy, an entire pregnancy, with the only touch you receive being your OB exams and the occasional hug from family.  To be isolated, and watch the world and friends and family go by, chattering excitedly about what coloring the baby will favor, mama or papa, to watch partners look at their wives and fall in love all over again.  To know that there is no one who feels that way.

No one.

It creates bitterness.  It creates hatred.  It creates a miserable existence.

But in the end, I did love him.  I loved him the instant they placed him on my chest, smelling of the intoxicating scent that is new birth.  He looked into my eyes in that moment, as I rubbed him to stimulate him, doing his APGARS in my head and realizing he was failing them miserably.  In that moment, I knew that he was just as stubborn as me, and that I had misjudged him.

So now, here I sit, trembling at the prospect of walking in there alone, without the man who loves us retroactively, who refuses to acknowledge that he is not Bug's daddy.  He is off working for the security of our future.  He loves us.  It's odd to see it typed out that way.  He loves all of us.  Kinder Major, Blueberry Nights, and Bug, as well as me.  We love him back, fiercely, naturally.  Us as a family is remarkably organic in our mismatched minor dysfunction.  He is my best friend and my, dare I be so cliche, soul mate.  It took six years to realize it, but we did, and together as a family it seems like it will all be okay, that we'll make it some way.  The only comfort about him being there and us being here, is that it reinforces our beliefs (and slight trepidation,) that our love as a family is palpable, even 140 miles away.

Can that love make up for those 36 weeks of anger and pain, though?  Or am I to be punished through his punishment?  That, truly, is Hell on Earth.  To watch helplessly as the merry-go-round spins out of control, and traps the littlest feet in the nightmare.  To watch him struggle, to worry and wonder, and in the end be sentenced harshly.

Suddenly, I'm out of things to say.  Time to shower, to put on a pretty face, and my best, most confident foot forward, for all of us need it today.

The echo of a million voices needs to be heard.

I haven't blogged in quite some time.  I worked hard to build a network of followers, of friendly faces, of people I care about and who care about me, and I've left without a word.

Life and love have been difficult.  Through my own drama and tragedy, I have been helping to mitigate the dramas and tragedies of a few of the people I love the most, in any way I can.  March has, as is tradition, brought challenges that have tested even the strongest of our reserves.

Today I come to you and I'm begging you - even though it seems as though I've abandoned  you, stand with me.

KB at Wanderlust, a beautiful soul with two amazing children and the fortitude of a giant, needs our help.  Her life has been it's own horror film, full of the horrors that we naturally recoil from.  Child pornography and exploitation, a secret life being lived right next to her, unusual weapons hidden but in plain sight, abuse, threats, and the discovery of chilling "horror porn" being used for sexual purposes by someone she was most intimate with.  These are the things that can choke out a person's light.  They can leave a hollow and empty shell, and that's under the best of circumstances where that person is allowed to leave the scene of the crimes.  KB hasn't been able to.  She stays there, day after day, providing as much stability as she could for her children, the innocents caught in the plot of this twisted screen play that has become her life.

Please go, read her posts, offer your support, retweet, repost, share, text, pull strings, act on ideas... do what you can to help her.  There are hundreds of other women and children that become statistics, but you KNOW about this family, and you have the opportunity to help.  You have the opportunity to lend your voice to hers, to help her be heard, and to help her remain safe.  Maybe in the movement we create, we can establish a protocol, a guideline, a way to keep helping, so that we can pare those numbers down, one by one. The KB spouse and children protection act, or something equally as hopeful sounding.

http://www.wanderlustlust.com - it's not easy reading, but I encourage you to keep going.  Know the extent to which she is trapped.  Let it sink in that it could be you or me.  Help me help her.

Glittersniffer Cosmetics: A lesson in keeping faith in others in the face of a dangerous deception.

I am going to refer you to two different places for details of the story, but the gist is this: Proprietor Lela Warren made bank with the production of truly outstanding eye makeup.  She offered a product that was brighter, sparklier, and more popular than many other cosmetics companies.  She had an outstanding story - a small business staffed by friends and family, a product she loved making and loved selling, and a soft spot for philanthropic pursuits.

She claimed her products were safe.  So safe, in fact, that she marketed a specialized kit just for the little girls we (her customers,) knew who would love their own bit of glitz. 

She ran raffles and sales for charity causes.

Turns out, it was all a lie.  Pigments and dyes not approved for use anywhere on the body, let alone the eyes.  Coloring agents approved for use in soaps and candles only.

The charity money? Presumably used to fund her alleged drug habit and God knows what else.

I'm sorry, faithful followers.  I'm sorry that I recommended her to you.  I'm sorry I used her products on my own child.  I'm sorry, most of all, that people like her - you know, duplicitous and unrepentant, full of lies and a proclivity towards doing things she knows to be wrong without an ounce of guilt - are able to get ahead in the world while good people, honest people, people who have done nothing but try to make the lives of the people they touch in one way or another better, are so often handed the short end of the stick.

Through this all, though, I have learned to look for certain signs, and look for them I have in my efforts to find a new cosmetics maker that I am comfortable with.  The absence of those signs has led me to one I have yet to be disappointed by.  That said, I'm going to keep it under wraps for now.  I have faith, and have become friends with the mix master and owner, but regardless of that... Well, there will be a review soon enough.

Oh, I almost forgot  your clicky links for the details and the updates on the legals and such.

First, visit Krissi's blog: http://krissisandvik.blogspot.com/2010/12/falling-in-and-out-of-love.html

And then check out the clearing house of current info: http://glittersniffercomplaints.blogspot.com/

For my dearest Lori...

I have been AWOL lately, and I need to rectify that, with an explanation and a post of substance.  I will get to that later.

Right now, though, I need your help.  I need your prayers, your good thoughts, your candles, your vibes, your crossed fingers, anything... I need you to show you care.

Lori over at Random Ramblings of a Stay at Home Mom is bearing the brunt of the personal tragedy that has struck her family, and needs as much support from all corners of the blogosphere (and the world.)  Her husband is in critical condition, and while yes, he's the "breadwinner," he is also her greatest love, and the father to her beautiful teacup humans.

Link up, spread the word, spread the love, and if you can, drop by her blog and tell her you're sending your love.  Remember, the kindness and caring we show to the strangers with whom we share the world shapes our reality for the best.  <3

Via KB of Wanderlust:

Here is what I’d like you to do as you link up today:

• If you haven’t already, please read Lori’s searing and heartfelt post from last night (it’s first on the Linky) and leave a comment of support for her.
• Send your prayers and/or good vibes to her and her family.
• Link up for Lori. Let her know you were here.
• If it is within your means, consider donating some money to help her family through this difficult time (her husband is the breadwinner and regardless of the outcome, this will be a rough financial ride for them). There is a paypal widget on the sidebar.
• Spread the word about the Linky so she can have as much support as possible at this time.

The rest of the Linky instructions are below. Thank you so much for your kindness and support. 

We love you Lori. We're rooting for you, babe. Stay strong. xo

The Rules (according to the big boss)

1. Follow my blog, the Random Ramblings of a SAHM. I never seem to get to reading all the links here. But believe me, I try. Not that any of this is my idea anyway- FYBF is MummyTime's brainbaby. I stole it.
2. Grab the bubbly button and post it on your sidebar.
3. Link your First Name and/or Blog Name and URL of your post or blog.
4. Add a short description (max of 125 chars). It could be a description of yourself, your blog or a teaser to your latest post.
5. Follow at least 1 linkyer/blogger (Be nice and spread the love).
6. The list will be open for linkyers on Fridays (and for the foreigners Friday as well).
7. A new and fresh link list will open every Friday. And you will have to link up AGAIN. The previous link list does not carry over to the following week.
8. And lastly, have lotsa fun. I mean it. If I detect anyone not totally loving the awesomeness, I will bump you off the linky list. (Joking) (Kinda).
9. Ripping off my stuff- including these rules- makes baby Jesus cry. If you are doing your own blog hop, please write your own rules. You know who you are.

Happy Birthday, Baby!

Happy Birthday, Bug.  I love you more than words will ever be able to express.

Review: GoGreen Pocket Diapers

So, I have had the pleasure of reviewing a pocket diaper from GoGreen Pocket Diapers.  Before I go much further, I will say that this is a sponsored review in that I asked if I could review them, and was sent a diaper for free.

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, I want to tell you guys that this is really a nice little diaper!

I was sent a diaper and an insert in the "Twinkle Tush" design shown above.  (I don't have my own pics, so the ones to follow are from the website.)

Leah, the owner, is also an accidental mommy and was very recently a student, as well. I like to support family owned businesses, and also like to know a bit about the method behind the madness.  I inquired as to whether or not Leah had designed these herself, or if she had found a manufacturer she loved, and she responded with the following:

Somehow I ended up with a great connection to the factory that makes the diapers. I had bought some for my 3 kids (all in diapers) because I thought they were really pretty, and they kicked a@$. The ones I started using over a year ago still look/work new, and that is in contrast to some bad experience I had with the quality of my happy heinys. Subsequently, I developed a borderline unhealthy obsession with the diapers, and after saturating all of my friends' diaper needs, I had to find a way to get my fix :-) This whole thing is only a couple weeks old, and (since I can now make really large orders since it appears there is a market) the factory is putting our logo on the diapers of our specifications and working with us to develop our own inexpensive accessories (pail liners, wipes, etc). I hope to get to help design the fabric prints, I haven't asked about it yet but I have to take it one step at a time (language barrier and opposite time zone make efficient communication difficult). Basically, there is an awesome quality product that was out there and for some reason no one had access to it. Also, there is virtually nothing in terms of pocket cds under ~$20 and that's not fair.  End rant. Thanks for asking!

Customer service was remarkable, with lightening-fast shipping.

As with all diapers, they need to be prepped before wear.  There's a thousand and one different methods for this, but mine is a quick dunk in water heated to a boil on the stove, and then two washings.  Since I was doing diaper laundry that day anyway, I just tossed it in to wash with the rest of the diapers.

The construction is solid, the PUL is consistent, and YOWSA are they trim!

I put this diaper through hell, friends, and let me tell you... it held up beautifully.  I even forgot it in the car for a couple of days, and it cleaned up beautifully.  Can't say that with all pockets.

I really feel that these are better than the Happy Heineys and Bum Genius I've used.  They're comparable to Haute Pockets as far as bulk goes, and better constructed than all of the above.  The inside is a decadent sherpa that I just kinda want to roll in.

My only cons are these:  No crossover snaps.  For a one size diaper, I really like to be able to cross over when necessary.  The insert could use to be another couple of layers, but that's trivial.  That could be solved with a doubler without adding too much additional bulk.  I am emailing Leah to find out if a doubler will be in the works for purchase, or if she can request that the liner be a bit more absorbent.

Overall?  For under ten dollars, this diaper blows all the other pockets out of the water.  Nine out of ten stars from me!

Welcome to Florida in the fall!

A lot of people will say that we have no real season changes here - just moving from really hot to less hot - but that's not true.  Most years.

This year brings a very definite turn in seasons, and true to subtropical climates, it's very rapid. 

With it comes the standard round of illnesses - colds, coughs, sinus infections... Autumn Agues.

Oh, woe... what to do with sicky babies and sickie kids?

Well, do what I do - kick 'em outside to play the snot away, and then bring them back in and feed them well.

It is now well-known that it is not the weather itself that causes illness, but rather the effects of the body's adaptation to changes in temperature and atmospheric pressure that wreak havoc on all systems, including our immune system.

One of the best ways to assist the body in fighting back and retaining its strength during these adaptations is to feed it well.  This is particularly important for children, since their immunities are still forming and their metabolisms are lightening fast.

A very simple, tasty, nutritious meal is a thick stew, or pottage.  I like to make pottage with meat, but vegetarians and vegans shouldn't depair, since it's equally as tasty and nutritious without.  Here's a rough recipe... please keep in mind that I'm one of those cooks that doesn't measure, but rather goes on instinct.  If in doubt, always use less.  More can be added, but little can be removed without starting all over.  Additionally, don't be afraid to adapt or stray, or to tailor to the tastes of your family.  If you dislike one of my ingredients, don't despair about it.  Just change it up a bit!  Most importantly, enjoy yourself.  Enjoy prepping and cooking, and savor the meal.  It does equally as much for your spirit as it does for your health.

Beef Pottage ala Accidentally Mommy

• Beef for stew, well marbled***
• Beef broth, consomme, boullion or stock (I love love love "Better than boullion" concentrate.)***
• Root veggies of your choosing - potatoes, turnips, carrots, yams - anything works, really.
• One or two good sized onions
• Garlic.  I like a LOT of garlic - but that's your choice, really.
• Celery
• Butter***
• Flour***
• Seasoning - my usual defaults are sea salt, ground mixed pepper (pink, black, white peppercorns,) ground rosemary, a dash of parsley, a sprinkle of herbs de provence mix, and sometimes a little paprika and turmeric, if I'm using lamb, venison or rabbit, or if I'm making it vegetarian with seitan, TVP or tofu.

Chop your veggies and toss them into the pot, covering them with your liquid of choice. This includes your onions, but not your garlic.

Put a dollop of butter in a pan, and brown the stew meat with your garlic and your seasonings.  I like to get it really brown, so that I can deglaze the pan later with either broth or red wine.  You could use olive oil here, but I feel it imparts a flavor that doesn't mesh so well with the rest of the ingredients. 

Deglaze the pan if you so wish, and add that to the pot, along with the meat and garlic.

Cover and let simmer for as long as you want.  Depending on the thickness of your veggies, it could take as little as 45 minutes or as long as two hours.  You can go even longer, if you'd like.  Just make sure your root veggies are at least fork done before moving on to the next step.

So now that the veggies are done, you're going to make a medium roux.  The trick to a good roux is making sure you're using equal amounts of fat and flour, and that your fat is a high-quality fat.  I use salted butter, full-cream spring butter, if I can.  If not, the best butter you can find/afford will work.  Hell, whatever you have on hand will work, too.  Melt the amount of butter you're using (say, 1/2 cup,) over low heat.  Slowly whisk in 1/2 cup of flour to the melted butter.  Keeping it on low heat, whisk constantly until mixture begins to turn a light tan color.  Then do it some more.  You're looking to get a pretty, rich carmel color and smooth texture.  Whatever you do, DO NOT turn the heat up, and DO NOT stop whisking!  You will burn the roux, and it will smell awful.

Once you achieve that golden carmel color, incorporate it into your pottage/stew.  I use the whisk to whisk it into the top layer of the stew, and then a long-handled wooden spoon to mix it the rest of the way.

Experiment, have fun, and eat up!

*** Better than Boullion makes an awesome veg*n veggie and a mushroom base.  TVP, Seitan, Tofu... use whatever you prefer to sub the beef.  If you're veg*n, use a corn starch slurry to thicken instead of roux.  (To make slurry, add cornstarch to cold water and whisk.  Gently temper in mixture to pottage, taking care to make sure you mix as you incorporate.)