To eat, or not to eat (with kids?) That is the question.

There's been a lot of banter for a long time now about when parents should take their children to restaurants, and what to do if their children become fussy, or worse- downright disruptive and rude.  There have even been movements where certain restaurants who are not necessarily inappropriate for a family to dine in are banning children, not unlike the "if you're under four feet, you may not ride" signs you see at Splash Mountain.

I have two children.  Snow white is often added in as the third, if not Blueberry Nights. I'd say I'm alone with them about 70% of the time, and we do go out to eat on a semi-regular basis.  Now, with that said, I'd like you to watch the ABC clip from the show "What would you do?" about out of control kids in "family friendly" restaurants.  Here's the linky.

I'm appalled on multiple counts.  Number one, that a parent has become so overwhelmed that they cannot effectively deal with their children when they reach that point of meltdown.  (Yes, I know those were actors, but none of us can deny that it happens every day.)  Number two, I'm shocked that so many people voted to oust the family, instead of taking initiative.  In this circumstance, I refer to the wait staff and managers.

Having worked in food service, one of the things that was always stressed to us as serve staff is diffuse, diffuse, diffuse.  Now, obviously in certain circumstances there isn't much to be done.  That said, there is always *something* to try, even if it's calling back to the kitchen for some nibblies on the house.  And don't tell me there isn't always a way to do it... forgo your OWN nibblies.  This isn't even for the childrens' sake.  Take one long look at the parent, and if you see a human being at their breaking point, reach out with a lifeline.

The other thing that really, really upset me was the reaction of other parents, or people who otherwise worked with children.* (*not including the teacher at the end.  She was awesome.)

Admittedly, there are often instances where it is inappropriate to scold or intervene in another child's circumstance.  Here, though?  Here is where you will see and have seen me do any of the following:

• Offer distraction.  Like I said, 2-4 kids at all times, I have a large supply of somewhat melty crayons, wrinkled paper, small toys, board books, and even some individually wrapped nibblies (GOD I love the word "nibblies,") at the bottom of my purse/bag.  Talk to mom or dad first, of course, but if they give the go ahead? Dude.  Matchbox cars and crayons can be replaced for less than a dollar.  Share your distraction wealth, even if it means a quiet, impromptu story time with your "Who's nose is this?" book.

• Quiet games!  As always, check with mom or dad first, but if Thundercats Are Go, engage not only your own children, but theirs as well.  I spy, Simon Says, hell... even Rock/Paper/Scissors are all great, especially since you're someone they don't know that wishes to pay attention to them.  Under the age of ten, that is a HUGE moment, since they are still at the stage of psychological development that attention = praise, and many kids will happily join in to attain that praise.

• For children that are older and engaged in downright destructive behavior, I've found that a quiet scolding that is non-ego-damaging can work, and work quickly.  Most often, I go with "You know what?  You are awesome, and I know your mama/daddy raised you to show how awesome you are, instead of acting/doing this.  Could you show me why they think you're as special as you are?"  It's praise more than scold, and it reminds them that their parents ARE proud of them, and that their behavior is perhaps not living up to the best qualities they possess.  Now, that said, I live in the deep south.  I've had neighbors/friends that told me it was okay to strap their kids' asses if necessary.  Regardless of that, though - encourage good behavior with redirecting praise, and you generally won't get an objection from the overwhelmed and exhausted parent because you're NOT berating or punishing, you're acknowledging that their child has GOOD qualities, and you're able to see that through their rowdy behavior.

We're all in the same club, ya'll.  We have created and brought forth these tiny people with their own tiny personalities, egos, strengths and weaknesses.  We are all playing by ear, because none of us have a manual on how to shape our little beings into successful adults.  Therefore, shouldn't we all work together to ad lib the manual when we find a club member who is struggling?

Regardless of what anyone else will say or do, I'd like you to know that I will always, always try to lend you a hand when you need it.

On learning styles and life lessons.

You know, there's a WHOLE lot of talk of "creating a critical thinker" when it comes to nurturing young children.

I'm of two minds on this.  On one hand, I agree that yes, we should encourage our children to think critically, and nurture their analytical skills while they're so open to it and so naturally curious.  On the other hand, though, I don't think that every moment of your child's life should be spent teaching some sort of lesson or thinking skill.

I take great issue with mothers who sneer at me when I respond "she wasn't" to questions like "how high was Kinder Major counting when she was two?"

Kinder Major showed a great right-brain preference from a very early age.  She was drawn very strongly to music and color, and showed a vested interest in coloring and painting by 11 months.  I nurtured that creativity.  Instead of teaching her counting and numbers and her alphabet at such a young age, I taught her color names and allowed her to play in paint and with crayons.  We colored on "her" wall next to my bed at night.  We read books together that were filled with color and texture, we sang and listened to music of all kinds, we danced and played with blocks.  As she continued to develop cognitively, she proved to have a knack for engineering based on aesthetics.  Again, I nurtured that.

A big part of attachment parenting is *knowing* your child and nurturing their innate abilities.  I don't feel that forcing "critical thinking" education on a child that doesn't learn that way is following that facet of APing.  I believe that every child is different, and should be nurtured as such.

Now, please don't interpret that to mean "don't encourage curiosity and awareness" - that's not what I'm saying.  What I AM saying, though, is don't bully your pediatrician into making a referral for speech and occupational therapy for your 18 month old because they haven't learned their entire alphabet yet.  (True example.)  Don't fill your child's day with structured learning, either.  Allow your child to grow at their own pace, and to be a child, especially if they are still on the variable line between late infancy and early toddlerhood.  Hell, even later toddlers.  Allow them to be them, and allow them to grow as they will.  Our children are not meant to be clones, nor are they meant to be programmed to fit our personal agendas on what we feel the perfect child should be.  They are their own person, and should be allowed to grow as such.

That is a life lesson that we all need to learn as we grow with our children.  Likewise, we should apply the same concepts to ourselves, since respectively, most of us are infants in our parenting lives.  We need to remember that we are all different, and allow ourselves to grow as we will, instead of as someone else (or even our pre-child selves) think we should.  We need to have confidence and faith in ourselves that we will thrive, and only with that confidence will our children form their own.

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