Monday, May 31, 2010

VERY personal post.

I was going to leave the blog uncluttered today, out of respect for the significance of the day, but there's something that I just can't sit on any longer.  I don't know if I owe this sudden bout of emotional turmoil to PMS or lack of sleep, but whatever the cause, it's here.  I cannot smother it, I cannot deny it, I cannot continue to pretend I don't feel this way.  Not today, anyway.  I'm sure tomorrow or the next day I will be able to go back to fooling myself and everyone else into believing that I'm thick skinned, since I hate admitting that I have any vulnerabilities left.

I have a lot of pregnant friends and acquaintances.  Like, at the start of 2010, 15 people I know were/are slated to deliver.  Six have, already.

Not a single one of them is single.  They have loving, supportive partners who have a vested interest in that little budding life.  Doctors/Midwife appointments are attended together, none of these women long for affection or intimacy, and their pregnancies are celebrated and revered by their partners.

While I am joyous for them, I am also slightly... envious?  Hurt, for certain.  It's not a feeling that holds any malice or ill-will, merely a very personal pain that I usually keep shrouded in the shadows.

Neither of my children got to experience such reverence in-utero.  I was never told I was beautiful, never held, never had my growing belly kissed, never made love to.  My aching, swolen feet were never rubbed with care, my shoulders never massaged.

I was an island.

Sure, I had family and friends who showered me with love and support, but that love is a different animal.

I don't know what it's like to have a partner treasure the life growing inside of me, to be proud and joyful that we created it together.

Granted, that is partly my own fault; Kinder Major's father was not someone I was ever interested in a relationship with, and he was in fact was staunchly against my decision not to terminate.  I went into the pregnancy with her knowing full well that I was on my own.  With Bug's father, things were rocky at the best of times, and abusive at the worst.

However, recognizing that I entered into these pregnancies alone and of my own volition doesn't remove the sting, the longing to know what it's like to have someone to love, to love me, to love us.  I daydream about what it's like to have someone join me in the awe that is listening to that tiny heartbeat, that wonders that are those first visible and tangible kicks and wiggles.  Someone to hold me and dream of what is to come with me.  It doesn't take away the fact that I spent those months alone, untouched and kept company only by the deep, aching need for the simplest affection.

I'm unsure of what the future holds.  Once upon a time, I dreamed of a large family with a partner and many children.  Now I fend off nightmares of making yet another mistake when judging the character of another, of letting someone else close who will only serve to hurt me and my children.  My longing to have someone hold me now, for even a few seconds, so that I might feel protected and safe is far overshadowed by my fear of exposing that vulnerability, and my refusal to let anyone see how weak I really am.

In the mean time, I will tuck this away once more, now that I've let it peek out briefly.  I will watch my friends and acquaintances travel their paths.  I will rejoice with them, I will give my support and love as a friend freely and unfettered, and I will live vicariously through their joy. 

Memorial and Decoration

It's Memorial Day here in the states.  In yesteryears, it was referred to as Decoration Day.

Me?  I prefer to call it Decoration Memorial.  Fair warning, this post may be disjointed and ramble; I lose all eloquence when I'm lost in thought.

So, why Decoration Memorial?

Decoration because of the joy I feel that they are being recognized as the amazing individuals they are.  (And yes, I mean to refer to them in the present.  Their presence continues on as long as we gather together to make sure they are immortalized.)  Decoration because of the memories they have left their families and friends, memories of family gatherings, laughter and love.  Decoration because I realize how blessed I am to have such brave individuals such as themselves that have fought to defend the freedom and safety that the rest of us often take for granted, fought to ensure the same liberties for my children.

And yet, it is still a Memorial.  Memorial because they needed to sacrifice themselves at all.  Memorial, because those families and friends are left with a permanent rift in their lives, missing forever sons and daughters, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, best friends, confidants.  Memorial because the world is short that many more good people, people who were brave and loyal, who loved their country enough to take such a leap into the unknown that comes with defending that which they hold dear.

Today, while many people hang out to enjoy the first day of the social summer, playing in the sun or making memories at parties and gatherings, I sit here feeling a bittersweet sense of pride as I ruminate on those I've known and lost.  School chums, family... I've lost my share.  I've also known my share that didn't perish, and I watch them grapple with the conflicting feelings of pride and guilt that they made it back and the family - yes, family - they risked their lives with, didn't. 

I ask simply that you take a moment out of your celebrations and think a good thought of thanks.  Send it out into the universe in whatever form suits you that you appreciate their valor. 

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Flog it, Baby! (FlogYoBlog Friday #4, I think?)

Okay, so, it's Friday in Oz, which is where this blog hop is hosted.  Also, I'd like to think that I will be in bed early tonight, so I'm posting this now instead of after midnight!  This is a list of totally awesome bloggers - go forth, add yourself, read others, enjoy!

  1. Follow my blog. (if you haven't already done so) (And Mummy Time's, since this is her baby.)
  2. Grab Brenda's bubbly button and post it on your sidebar. 
  3. Link your Blog Name and URL below. 
  4. Add a short description (max of 125 chars). It could be a description of yourself, your blog or a teaser to your latest post.
  5. Follow at least 1 linkyer/blogger (Pay it forward is the name of the game).
  6. The list will be open for linkyers on Fridays (I've extended the closing time by the way, to accommodate my non-aussie peeps).
  7. A new and fresh link list will open every Friday. And you will have to link up AGAIN. The previous link list does not carry over to the following week.
  8. And lastly, have lotsa fun.

Babywearing Bliss

Photodump of Babywearing pics.  The stars of the show (as always,) are Kinder Major - 5 years, 44 lbs and 44" tall; Snow White - 2 years, ~30 lbs; Bug - 17 lbs, 27" tall.  Carriers pictured are: Grey stretchy knit wrap (Affectionately called the "Meby" in my house, standing for "me-made moby,") Cream and blue Kiddie Winkles Designs woven wrap, a black organic "Iris" Ergo carrier, and a grey "Galaxy" Ergo carrier.)

Things-that-are-awesome Thursday!

Woot, it's Thursday!

I have two things that are awesome today.  Number one is a blog I'd like to draw attention to:  The Accidental Environmentalist, home of the Need-A-Bag? project.  The N-A-B? project operates on the same premise as the Need a penny? Take a penny! tray you see everywhere.  Set up at farmers markets, we offer free re-usable shopping bags.  Need a bag, take a bag.  If you want to bring it back next week, great!  If you forget, that's okay too!  We also like donations, both of bags and money.  We're not non-profit, though, and we certainly don't expect donations.  We just don't turn them away if they're offered.

Today was the N-A-B?'s maiden voyage to the High Springs Farmers Market, captained by yours truly.  N-A-B? has a permanent spot at the Alachua County Farmers Market on Saturday mornings, as well.

We're looking for locals to franchise out to the rest of our county's farmers markets, but I'd like ya'll to consider implementing something similar in your area.  Here's the short of it:  Pick up spare bags from friends, family, strangers, yard sales and thrift stores.  You don't want to go and buy new bags specifically for this, but buying used ones from thrift and yard sales is fine.  Wash them, tag them with your mission statement, and offer them to the shoppers for free!  Lather, Rinse, Repeat the weeks following. 

Please comment here or email me at if you want to know more, and I'll give you the rest of the details. :D

The second thing that is awesome this week?  You.  Yes, YOU.  I want you all to know that I appreciate your presence, your comments, the time you take to read my posts - all of it.  I think you're awesome.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Hump Day Happiness

I'm just all sorts of meme today, it seems.

Truth be told, I'm having a crap day.  As I was sitting here, wallowing in self pity and tea, I saw that Naomi over at Under The Yardarm started a McLinky for Hump Day Happiness.  (Go to her blog to enter and read.) Then I clicked through them, and realized that the time for wallowing was done, and I needed to quickly remember why life doesn't suck.  Then I needed to post it for ya'll to see, share, and perpetuate the meme.

So, here we go.  Happiness on this humpday is...

  • A baby who smiles, in spite of getting two teeth in within 24 hours of each other.
  • A daughter who is so empathetic and kind that she doesn't hesitate to say to the cashier at the grocery "You look like you have a sad face.  Please don't be sad, I love you!" at five years old.
  • Knowing that I have a bottle of wine chilled and waiting for me as a reward if I get my homework done in a timely fashion tonight.
  • Amazing, supportive, friendly people like you to surround me, and remind me that I'm not alone.

Wordless Wednesday: Front (rose/flower) garden, 2010

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Towel Day 2010

In loving memory of Douglas Adams, whose fictional genius may very well turn out to be uncannily accurate foreshadowing.  So long, and thanks for all the fish. 

Monday, May 24, 2010

Make-up Monday!

Okay, so we've had Bloggers in the Buff - a day when we revealed our "true" selves to the internet, bared all of our wrinkles and imperfections for all to see.

I'm not ashamed to say that I am "in the buff" pretty much every day.  It's rare to see me in a picture where I'm actually wearing "nice" clothes, have my hair done, or have make-up on.

Because I feel that those things are also a facet of my personality, I propose this:  For those of you who are like me and rarely get to show off your "cleaned up" side, go ahead and post it today.  Don't guilt about feeling vain for it, because you're not.  You deserve to show off that side of you, and no one will judge you for getting made up specifically for this.  Technically, I'm prompting you to do it because I think you deserve to feel pampered for a few minutes (Yes, I'm projecting here,) but we'll say it's in the name of the Meme, just for further justification. :)  I'll show you mine if you show me yours!

So, here it is: Makeup Monday.  I'm going to cheat and post the pictures I took of myself this weekend.  I had a wedding to attend, and damn did my makeup look fabulous! I even did my manicure myself, and I wore the single cutest pair of shoes ever.

And, here's Kinder Major, since she was so pleased with her dress and hair, too!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Flog it, Baby! (FlogYoBlog Friday #somethingoranother)

It's FlogYoBlog time!!!!!  Here's the skinny:

  1. Follow my blog. (if you haven't already done so.)  (And Brenda's at MummyTime, since this is her baby.)
  2. Grab Brenda's bubbly button and post it on your sidebar. 
  3. Link your Blog Name and URL below. 
  4. Add a short description (max of 125 chars). It could be a description of yourself, your blog or a teaser to your latest post.
  5. Follow at least 1 linkyer/blogger (Pay it forward is the name of the game).
  6. The list will be open for linkyers on Fridays.
  7. A new and fresh link list will open every Friday. And you will have to link up AGAIN. The previous link list does not carry over to the following week.
  8. And lastly, have lotsa fun.

Things-that-are-awesome Thursday!

Umm, so, Blogger ate my original post.  I'm currently absurdely distracted, as I'm packing for two kids and myself for ONE night away, and the massive amount of crap I have to take is running my brain ragged.


This week, I'm featuring one of my favorite online shops:  Nicki's Diapers!

Nicki's is A. MAZE. ING.  Lightening fast shipping, THE best prices I've found, and FREE shipping on covers!  They have a blog and a facebook page, and they restock immediately!

I just ordered from their sister site, My Swim Baby, to get Bug outfitted for pool season.  Gotta have that UV-blocking swimwear for my fair skinned boy.  Free shipping on EVERYTHING at MSB with the code "Diapers" at check out.

Seriously, they're both awesome.  I won't bore you with blathering, instead I just order that you go, shop, and love. :D

Thursday, May 20, 2010

And I shall name it "Crowley"

The computer has arrived, and I am currently blogging from it!!!! Tomorrow (Or rather, later today,) brings Things-that-are-awesome-Thursday, and Friday is a big surprise that I think you'll all enjoy!

I would absolutely be lying if I said that I didn't love having my own machine again.  It was awesome that my family members were so sharing with theirs, but there's nothing quite like having everything set to my own personal modifications, you know?

Not to mention the fact that I never, ever, ever buy myself anything brand new, let alone something like a computer.  It's kinda good for the happy feelings to splurge on myself. :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

So... Close...

A few things of note, my Droogs.  Then we can return to our regularly scheduled milk bar antics.

1.  We are SIX Droogs away from a give-away!  Fifty followers, five items.  So on, so forth, ad nauseum.  (50 followers, 5 items.  100 followers, 5 items, to infinity and beyond!!!!)

2.  My financial aid finally made it's way to me.  I spent approximately $3k in one day.  The upside to all that money being gone already is that I'm currently waiting impatiently on a late fedex delivery for my shiny new laptop (something I have never bought brand-new before,) to arrive, I've gotten another Ergo for the Trio of Terror days, and Ella's new car seat is happily chillin' in the backseat of my car.

3.  I have an extremely cute new dress and shoes to wear to a wedding this weekend.

No, there is nothing else of substance in this post; I just wanted to be social.  I'll get back to my egocentric narcissism tomorrow. ;)

Friday, May 14, 2010

Things-that-are-awesome Thursday!

Okay, I'm late.  I had an incident yesterday that needed tending to; I promise, it was all for a good reason.

This week, we are featuring Jen over at Amarook Art!  She specializes in pyrography, and is amaaaazing at what she does.

I commissioned a piece from her not too long ago for MMC Designs, Farm and Kennels, which is actually AccidentallyMommy's business.  (Well, the designs bit.  Right now the farm and kennels are closed.  When they're open, I specialize in off-track thoroughbreds and standardbreds, and dobermans.)

Check out the awesome she made for me!!!!!

Now, it's hard to tell, but the edge is painted in my business colors: purple, with a stripe of green.  The wording and images are all burned into the wood.  All of this is sealed in an indoor/outdoor quality wood sealant.

I'm a pretty demanding customer, and I am more than happy to report that she far exceeded my normal criteria for something I'm willing to give a positive review on.  Additionally, Jen is great about maintaining contact through the process, and also sends status updates as she's working.

My images were standard stock silhouettes, but she also does custom work (with very realistic detailing,) from your photographs.  Go check out her blog and see for yourself!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Bloggers Without Makeup/Bloggers in the Buff

Jodie over at Mummy Mayhem has issued a proposal! (Thanks to Wanderlust for the awesome alliteration!)

"This Friday 14 May, I am going to proclaim it "Bloggers Without Makeup Day", but open to bloggers and tweeps. I'm going to use the above photo on my Twitter account ALL DAY on Friday. I'm going to put a trending topic attached to it,#BloggersWithoutMakeup, and I'm going to show all of you the real me and, in turn, perhaps practice a bit of what I preach. If you have a blog, you could also post a pic like mine on your blog (if you dare) and tweet it on Friday."

I accept the proposal, vice chairman! Oh, wait.  Anyways.

I know, I know... to all my 'merkin followers, it's only Thursday.  However, Jodie is from the magical land of Oz, and it's Friday *there*, so logically, I should respond to her proposal on her timeline.

Behold, AccidentallyMommy without any frills or photoshop!

Now, truth be told, I look like this all the time.  I don't really remember the last time I wore makeup... I want to say it was the weekend I conceived Bug, so well over a year ago.  Don't get me wrong - I love makeup.  Love buying it, love playing with it... I just never have the time or opportunity to put it on, and taking it off offends my lazy sensibilities.

Soooo, yeah.  Show us those pretty faces, friends!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Caution: Imaginations at play!

So, Kinder Major has had a recurring case of Strep for the past month or so, which means there's been a lot of time spent hanging out and relaxing while we work through symptoms, antibiotics, and mandatory time out of school.

During this time, I've noticed a huge cognitive leap in her.  Her imagination has suddenly taken off!  Not that she didn't engage in imagination play before - she did.  It was definitely limited to tangible concepts, though.  Playing with dolls meant that they were locked into familial roles, blocks were objects she saw every day, and reading story books was less imagining what was going on with the characters in the pictures and more reciting what she remembered from when I read the story to her originally.

This past month I have seen her explore new territories like never before.  Dolls now have many different roles, from family groups to movie stars and explorers of space, sea and jungle alike.  Story books are read with elaborate tales surrounding the illustrations.  (We're working on reading and spelling.  For now, I listen as she makes up her own stories.)  Blocks and legos are used to make submarines, rocket ships, fairy houses and fantastical vehicles for monsters and pets.  Every day items are used to invent and build, often to my consternation when it involves rolls of toilet paper being unrolled, or booby traps of duct tape and paper clips.

She "writes" letters full of nonsense letters and numbers strung together, mixed in with the words she knows how to read and write. She makes cards for any and every occasion, she decorates and adorns with pleasure and an artistic freedom that every artist I know would be colored green with envy by.

Outside time is spent planting 100 foot bean stalks and mixing witch's brew out of leaves and mud.  She climbs trees and pretends they are her pirate ships and she is the captain.  When she's dirty and covered in the evidence of her play like chalk dust, she becomes a zombie or a mummy, intent on sucking out brains and tickling to death.  (Gotta love my horror baby.)

In addition to her imagination, she has an appreciation for concepts that most children at her age have yet to comprehend.  For Mother's Day, her teacher engaged the class in a project of appreciation to send home to the moms/caregivers.  Each child drew and colored a picture, and then the children sat with the teacher or one of the helpers and dictated why they love their mothers.  Kinder Major's teacher pulled me aside after school on Friday and thanked me.  My face must have been openly bemused, because she hurried to explain that Kinder Major was the only child in the class to list the reasons she loved me as something other than the things I've bought her or places I've taken her.  Instead, her reasons for loving me were the various things I've taught her and the fact that I love her "forever and ever as much as all the world."  I couldn't hide the tears that came to my eyes.

It's so awesome to me to watch her grow as a little person, to see her mind evolve with her body.  Yes, it's oftentimes bittersweet, but sweet is the key word.  She is a kind-hearted, happy child who knows that she is loved and has support in everything she wants to do.  As long as she continues to feel this way, I will be re-assured that I am doing right by her.

She's right.  I do love her, forever and ever and as much as the whole world.  She IS my world, and I'm so very lucky to be her mommy.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Coming back and showing my meme streak...

(U see what I did thar?)
So, I have decided that I cannot stay away from you guys any longer.  Even though I still have no computer of my own and this one seems to loathe blogger (In the I'm-going-to-crash-if-you-try-to-read-the-blogs-you-follow kind of way,)

Today, I come back with a meme.  Being technologically cold and barren has led to a winter of discontent, in that I have had a chance to sit and observe my surroundings, think about the things I've been involved in and said/done, examine the people I associate with/am a fan of, and I've learned something:  I don't actually like half of any of it.  I've known this moment was coming... It started with the gut-wrenching realization that I was beginning to dread what I had most looked forward to since the birth of Kinder Major - the road to midwifery.  The realization that I was jaded with the people I would have to deal with regularly, and thusly would be miserable pursuing it, was just the beginning of what I was to come to realize I dreaded.

This brings us to the meme.  Claire Marie started the whole shebang, with K at Wanderlust being the one to bring it to my attention.  The short of it?  Jot down a few letters that you've thought but never sent.  Then, post them for all the world to see, and hope your neighbor that you've just called an alcoholic asshole doesn't come and shit on your front porch.  Here, I'll show you mine.  It's only polite to show me yours. :)

Dear Charlie Crist-
Thank you for proving me wrong.  You have no concept of how much it actually, really, in my heart means to me.

Sarah Palin-
Just stop opening your mouth.  I will never let your betrayal of your gender go, nor will I forget about the complete lack of empathy and kindness you have for the living beings that you share the world with.  You are a complete waste of a Vagina.

Dear JAJ-
I so want to believe that you are the semi-decent human being I thought you were many years ago, and that your psychotic life partner has just led you astray.  Please, please don't fuck things up any more than you have already.  I'm giving you another chance, even though you don't know it's me.  In the end, I have the final say.  PLEASE don't fuck it up.  For her sake and the little one's.  They deserve to know each other, but I will not allow you to further damage her just for that reason.  You're on tenuous ground.  Beware.

Dear Florida-
Please bounce back from this.  My soul belongs to you, no place else will ever be home.  I already sob daily as I look at the oil-flow trajectory, and hear about the clean-up efforts already in place along your beautiful and one-of-a-kind shores.  I desperately want my children to be able to experience your wonder like I have, and understand why I will never leave.  Please, if the strength of one human's love for you is even remotely possibly enough to heal you, in the grand scheme of the universe, draw on mine.  In the meantime, I will contribute in every way I can to the efforts being made to minimize the damage.

Friends boycotting Nestle-
Please remember that Nestle is the producer of the only food my son can tolerate, and I am out. of. milk.  I cannot go off my meds, and I have no one I trust to donate milk to him.  Without Nestle's product, my already challenged son would starve.  It really frustrates me that you cannot see that they do provide a necessary service to mothers like me, mothers you call friends, mothers who are out of all other options.  You claim to be tolerant, but really?  You're extremely hurtful sometimes.

The people who want to judge me for having "two different babydaddies, bein' on medicaid, not workin' and just bein' a goddamn leech of a breeder"-
Fuck you, too.  I've worked steadily since literally the day I turned sixteen.  I've paid taxes, I've contributed to my community and charities, and I've given back as much as I can in return for what I've been given.  I am a student, I am raising my children to be happy and functional so that we don't perpetuate a cycle of poverty, and even though I am not paid in cash that is taxable, I have a job.  Snow White deserves to be someplace where she can remain as healthy and comfortable as possible, and it is my job as her aunt to protect her and provide her (and my brother and sister-in-love) with the peace of mind that comes with knowing that she is in a safe place with someone who understands her and understands what is going on with her.  So fuck you right in the ear for insinuating that I sit on my ass all day, plotting how to pop out more kids in order to fuck the system and rob you of your precious money.

And, to end on a happy note...

Dear dogs-
Thank you for your unconditional, smelly, dirty, loud and slobbery devotion.  The past few nights that I have been so overwhelmed that I would have otherwise cried myself to sleep, your concern and quiet comfort reminded me that it's not always as bad as it feels, and there are a few things that will never be ruined, like your goofy puppy smiles.