My boobs have been having an identity crisis lately. It's a pretty significant one, I think. The subject comes up daily, sometimes multiple times a day. I try to avoid them, so that I can avoid that uncomfortable silence that inevitably follows their twin chorus of "Hi, we're your boobs, and we're having an identity crisis." Seriously, how do I respond to that?
Complete avoidance is impossible, though. Our interactions are something like this:
Me: Hi boobs. How are ya today?
Boobs: We're sad. Look, we're looking down at the floor with our pointy nipple-eyes. We're having an identity crisis.
Me: Oh? *uncomfortable silence* Uhh... Umm... Why? You're boobs. Don't you generally do... boob things? Like hang out? I try not to put you in a bra, so you've got way more freedom than most of your other boob friends.
Boobs: Yeah, we know. And really - we appreciate that freedom. Our problem is that we're dry.
Me: Oh, well I can fix that! Here, have some nourishing lotion with vitamin E!
Boobs: No, not like that. See, we see you feed the baby, and we know that the milk you're giving him isn't from us. Because, you know, we're dry. This is the fault line for our shattering identity earthquake. We mean, logically we know that you're giving him artificial milk because you're taking a couple of medications that you really can't go without right now, but we feel cheated. We dried up suddenly and traumatically, and we're quite upset about it.
Me: Oh. Yeah, I can totally see that. Oh look, brain and conscience are here! Let's get them in on this discussion!
Brain: Hey Boobs! Lookin' good today, ladies! You've got some super-hot circulatory action goin' on. No worries, you can totally thank me later.
Boobs: *stares* Really, Brain? Really?
Conscience: So, I totally didn't mean to eavesdrop, Boobs, but I heard everything you said, and I'm right there with you. I feel SO GUILTY about all of it, your drying up and Jackie taking meds and Brain just being brain... it makes me want to cry. I even feel guilty about the fact that Leg went off and got herself broken, which is why you dried up to begin with! It's totally ALL MY FAULT.
Brain: Oh shit. Look at what ya'll did. Conscience is crying now.
Me: Okay, hold it. This is not going to turn into a three ring circus. Brain, do you have anything useful to contribute?
Brain: Well, that depends. I do, out of deference for Boobs, go ahead and automatically make their pointy nipple-eyes hard every time the baby cries, as well as make them ache. You know, 'cuz they're boobs. That's what they're made for, amirite?
Me: Right on. You just keep on keepin' on. Not like any of us could persuade you to do otherwise. Conscience, is there any reasoning with you on this one?
Conscience: No. *sobs* I'M SO SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING! I DESERVE TO DIE IN A FIRE!
Me: *mutters* Drama Queen. *looks at Brain* Can you take her out of here? I'll deal with you guys later.
Boobs: Now do you understand, though? We're boobs. We were put on your body primarily to nurse your offspring. Sexual pleasure and looking awesome are just fringe benefits. You let us do our job briefly, and then it was abruptly and traumatically taken away from us. Now we're bereft. What are we to do?
Me: Oh. Well, I... uh... *clears throat* I'm really sorry. I... I got nothin' else. Can I offer you that nourishing lotion with vitamin E as a consolation prize?
And with that, my friends, my Boobs simply shake their heads sadly and wander away, until the next time I feed the baby. Then the cycle starts all over again.
Logically, I know that relactation is not one of my most brilliant ideas. Oh, I have no doubt that I could achieve it - and fairly easily, at that. But what would it accomplish? I would need to wean off of three different meds, and risk at best some very painful and at worst some very dangerous consequences.
Bug, I suspect, couldn't really care less. There's still ample bonding and skin-to-skin during feedings. Also, he's leading himself to solids, so it may be a non-issue here very shortly. Health-wise, it's a non-issue completely.
So where is the sense in all of this wistfulness and mourning over our lost breastfeeding relationship? Why can't Boobs just suck it up, rub some dirt in it, and move on? Why can't Conscience just get over her guilt? Why can't Brain stop leading the mutiny on the bounty?
Because - breast is best. For all parties involved. People will try to placate us with "Well, at least you got *some* breastfeeding time in," but that won't help. I don't disagree, and I *AM* thankful for the time we had. But I would be a dirty liar if I said I didn't wish with every bottle of formula I make that it had been longer. That we were still doing it today.
I learned to forgive myself with Kinder Major - she wasn't breastfed at all. I will learn to forgive myself with Bug, too. It's just going to take time. Time, and a lot of "why relactating isn't a good idea" talks with Boobs.
Ladies, don't take your Boobs for granted. And for those of you who haven't/can't/didn't (for whatever reason) breastfeed who are having similar talks with your Boobs... well, best of luck to you. I hope you can make more headway with yours than I have with mine.
Showing posts with label breastfeeding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breastfeeding. Show all posts
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
"You are such a hypocrite!" or, "Why I chose formula over someone else's mama milk."
It's no secret that I accepted blood transfusions from stock blood after both of my births. I'm okay with that. I know what the numbers are on the risk of transmitted bloodbourne pathogens slipping by undetected, and it's a risk I'm willing to take.
When certain persons with their noses so high they can't see their toes hear that, though, the terms "hypocrite" and "lazy" and "negligent" are slung around as carelessly as "please" and "thank you."
Why is this, you ask? Well, because when I was unable** to breastfeed, I chose formula over donated mama milk.
No one close to me was nursing a child or would even have been able to re-lactate to help me, and I was unwilling, plain and simple, to accept and/or pay for a stranger's mama milk.
Off the bat, I do look like a hypocrite. I accepted a random person's blood, but I'm not accepting a random person's milk for my child. Yep. Sounds hypocritical. With one teeensy smidgen of a difference - the random person whose blood I accepted had been screened rigorously for pathogens and pharmaceuticals, and that blood was deemed clear and safe for use in any patient, no matter the medications they were taking or the allergies they had.
I cannot get that assurance with donated mama's milk. I will freely admit - I don't trust strangers. Not even a little bit. While I'd like to think that there wouldn't be anything done out of malice, I cannot be so naive as to think there wouldn't be anything done out of stupidity. Someone thinking that what they're putting into their body is insignificant, or someone thinking an infection they had was harmless. Ignorance, plain and simple.
Medications, herbal supplements, infections... these are all things that could be tagging along in that seemingly innocuous little bottle of breastmilk.
I will not offer my child anything that I would not put in my own body, and I would not drink a random woman's breast milk without tangible proof that she had been exhaustively tested for any and all possible issues.
I choose formula over donated mama's milk because if nothing else, there is at least an FDA regulated quality control on the ingredients that go into that can of powder. And yes, I realize that there's a LOT of things in that can. It's a trade-off I'm willing to make, though.
It's smelly, and doesn't taste very good (I said I wouldn't give my children something I wouldn't put in my own body, and I meant it. I've had formula - and not just dipping my finger in it to taste it. I made up a few ounces and drank them myself,) and it makes my kids smelly, but it doesn't run the risk of infecting my child with HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis or HPV, not to mention other more obscure pathogens, and potential pharmaceuticals.
I commend other women who are more trusting than I am and are willing to accept a stranger's milk. I often wish I could turn off the nagging "what if?" voice whenever I think about the subject. The simple fact is that I can't. I can't entertain putting my child in that position any more than I would be able to entertain trusting the care of my child to someone who may or may not have a history of pedophilia. In my mind, the risks are equal.
That said, just because I feel that way doesn't mean I'm going to judge another mother harshly, so why should I be so judged? Food (pun intended,) for thought.
**I could not breastfeed Kinder Major because the medications I was on at the time of her birth and forward strictly prohibited it. I have discontinued breastfeeding Bug because of a medication issue as well, albeit a different one. I nursed him happily until just recently, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't mourn the loss of that facet of our mother/child relationship.
When certain persons with their noses so high they can't see their toes hear that, though, the terms "hypocrite" and "lazy" and "negligent" are slung around as carelessly as "please" and "thank you."
Why is this, you ask? Well, because when I was unable** to breastfeed, I chose formula over donated mama milk.
No one close to me was nursing a child or would even have been able to re-lactate to help me, and I was unwilling, plain and simple, to accept and/or pay for a stranger's mama milk.
Off the bat, I do look like a hypocrite. I accepted a random person's blood, but I'm not accepting a random person's milk for my child. Yep. Sounds hypocritical. With one teeensy smidgen of a difference - the random person whose blood I accepted had been screened rigorously for pathogens and pharmaceuticals, and that blood was deemed clear and safe for use in any patient, no matter the medications they were taking or the allergies they had.
I cannot get that assurance with donated mama's milk. I will freely admit - I don't trust strangers. Not even a little bit. While I'd like to think that there wouldn't be anything done out of malice, I cannot be so naive as to think there wouldn't be anything done out of stupidity. Someone thinking that what they're putting into their body is insignificant, or someone thinking an infection they had was harmless. Ignorance, plain and simple.
Medications, herbal supplements, infections... these are all things that could be tagging along in that seemingly innocuous little bottle of breastmilk.
I will not offer my child anything that I would not put in my own body, and I would not drink a random woman's breast milk without tangible proof that she had been exhaustively tested for any and all possible issues.
I choose formula over donated mama's milk because if nothing else, there is at least an FDA regulated quality control on the ingredients that go into that can of powder. And yes, I realize that there's a LOT of things in that can. It's a trade-off I'm willing to make, though.
It's smelly, and doesn't taste very good (I said I wouldn't give my children something I wouldn't put in my own body, and I meant it. I've had formula - and not just dipping my finger in it to taste it. I made up a few ounces and drank them myself,) and it makes my kids smelly, but it doesn't run the risk of infecting my child with HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis or HPV, not to mention other more obscure pathogens, and potential pharmaceuticals.
I commend other women who are more trusting than I am and are willing to accept a stranger's milk. I often wish I could turn off the nagging "what if?" voice whenever I think about the subject. The simple fact is that I can't. I can't entertain putting my child in that position any more than I would be able to entertain trusting the care of my child to someone who may or may not have a history of pedophilia. In my mind, the risks are equal.
That said, just because I feel that way doesn't mean I'm going to judge another mother harshly, so why should I be so judged? Food (pun intended,) for thought.
**I could not breastfeed Kinder Major because the medications I was on at the time of her birth and forward strictly prohibited it. I have discontinued breastfeeding Bug because of a medication issue as well, albeit a different one. I nursed him happily until just recently, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't mourn the loss of that facet of our mother/child relationship.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
A rant on standards of health care...
You know, I bitch about the standards of healthcare in the state of Florida. I bitch a LOT about maternity and pediatric care.
I had the chance to be very thankful for what we have today.
A bit of back story: Woman I used to know many years ago via IRC had her son last week at 32 weeks gestation, which is 34 weeks pregnant. He was underweight, extremely jaundiced, and had mild respiratory distress syndrome. No ventilator needed, but they kept him in an O2 tent under a bili light for a week.
The woman is a few years older than me, but very... immature. If you didn't know better, you'd think that perhaps there was some developmental deficiency, but there isn't. She's just immature.
Her son was discharged today, at 1 week old. He'd been weaned off the O2 over a course of 12 hours, and his blood oxygen level was stable. His weight? 4 lbs, 14 oz. His jaundice is still extreme. As in, I've never ever seen a newborn (or ANYONE, human or animal,) leave a hospital with that degree of yellowing to their sclera and skin.
She messaged me today, frantic and terrified.
Apparently, the neonatologist explained everything to her - in medical terms. When she asked for further explanation, she was told to write it down so that she could look it up later.
She was allowed to nurse him once, and sent home with instructions to avoid formula and bottles and nurse, but never allowed to consult with a lactation specialist.
He's still extremely jaundiced. Their recommendation was to take him outside as much as possible. In Upper Peninsula Michigan. In October.
After about 45 minutes of explaining in very simple terms how to detect respiratory distress in a newborn to her, as well as citing solutions for breastfeeding issues in preemies from my text books, I got her calmed down quite a bit. I also drilled it into her that with her preemie (and with any infant, really,) there is no such thing as an over-reaction. If she thought there was ANYTHING wrong, she needed to get him to a doctor immediately. I also told her that she needed to get ANGRY with anyone who chastised her for "over reacting" and not allow them to convince her that she shouldn't come back if she saw or felt like something was amiss.
I confess, I was frustrated at first with her level of immaturity. Instead of saying breast milk, it was "Mommy NomNom." "LOL" followed every statement of insecurity.
Once I got past my frustration, though, I realized two things. #1, she was excellent preparation for being patient with my future patients. #2, I was PISSED.
How the FUCK could they send a parent home so unprepared and a child so close to the line between okay and not okay?
She has no family, to speak of. Her husband is equally as unprepared and immature. They live in the middle of fucking nowhere, michigan.
They gave her no list of resources, no personal suggestions, no encouragement.
She knew nothing of La Leche League, prematurity.org, or even any books to read.
ONE nurse suggested kangaroo care to her. The same nurse that let her actually let the baby nurse. Once. Prior to that and after, they were forcing her to pump and bottle feed, despite telling her to nurse and avoid bottles and formula at home.
I did as much nursing trouble-shooting with her as I could - it sounds like he's latching but has a poor suck reflex. The texts I have suggest hand-expressing slowly, directly into his mouth after letting him attempt to suck. I told her to do that until she got ahold of someone in person at LLL, and to keep calling. They have consultants on-call for after-hours issues too, so just be persistent in calling until someone calls her back or answers.
As far as I'm concerned, what she experienced was not just harried hospital staff in a rush to discharge due to policy/insurance issues. What she experienced was a basic failure of human compassion and an absolute failure on the part of the hospital staff to do. their. goddamn. job.
With "Care" like that, there's no wonder at the fucking infant mortality rate. How can parents do their best for their children if they're not being provided with an education on how to do that? It especially boggles me that someone would dismiss a parent who was actively ASKING for further education! HOW CAN YOU IGNORE SOMEONE WHO IS ASKING FOR HELP IN DISPELLING THEIR IGNORANCE???
So angry. Livid, in fact.
Anyway, yeah. Thank you, State of Florida, for at least having the initiative to provide the resources you do, and the dedication you have to the children, if not the parents. Hat tip in particular to Shands Children's Hospital, Arnold Palmer Women's and Children's hospital, Baptist Medical Center in Jax, The Sebastian Ferrero Foundation, and all the others that I'm missing.
ETA: There is apparently ONE pediatrician's office local to her qualified to deal with son. She called them before messaging me, and was told that she was going to have to wait until his appointment on Monday, that they don't offer a nurse line for questions, and they can't squeeze her in before Monday. I told her she needed to try and find the funds to make the hour drive to another office if at all possible.
I had the chance to be very thankful for what we have today.
A bit of back story: Woman I used to know many years ago via IRC had her son last week at 32 weeks gestation, which is 34 weeks pregnant. He was underweight, extremely jaundiced, and had mild respiratory distress syndrome. No ventilator needed, but they kept him in an O2 tent under a bili light for a week.
The woman is a few years older than me, but very... immature. If you didn't know better, you'd think that perhaps there was some developmental deficiency, but there isn't. She's just immature.
Her son was discharged today, at 1 week old. He'd been weaned off the O2 over a course of 12 hours, and his blood oxygen level was stable. His weight? 4 lbs, 14 oz. His jaundice is still extreme. As in, I've never ever seen a newborn (or ANYONE, human or animal,) leave a hospital with that degree of yellowing to their sclera and skin.
She messaged me today, frantic and terrified.
Apparently, the neonatologist explained everything to her - in medical terms. When she asked for further explanation, she was told to write it down so that she could look it up later.
She was allowed to nurse him once, and sent home with instructions to avoid formula and bottles and nurse, but never allowed to consult with a lactation specialist.
He's still extremely jaundiced. Their recommendation was to take him outside as much as possible. In Upper Peninsula Michigan. In October.
After about 45 minutes of explaining in very simple terms how to detect respiratory distress in a newborn to her, as well as citing solutions for breastfeeding issues in preemies from my text books, I got her calmed down quite a bit. I also drilled it into her that with her preemie (and with any infant, really,) there is no such thing as an over-reaction. If she thought there was ANYTHING wrong, she needed to get him to a doctor immediately. I also told her that she needed to get ANGRY with anyone who chastised her for "over reacting" and not allow them to convince her that she shouldn't come back if she saw or felt like something was amiss.
I confess, I was frustrated at first with her level of immaturity. Instead of saying breast milk, it was "Mommy NomNom." "LOL" followed every statement of insecurity.
Once I got past my frustration, though, I realized two things. #1, she was excellent preparation for being patient with my future patients. #2, I was PISSED.
How the FUCK could they send a parent home so unprepared and a child so close to the line between okay and not okay?
She has no family, to speak of. Her husband is equally as unprepared and immature. They live in the middle of fucking nowhere, michigan.
They gave her no list of resources, no personal suggestions, no encouragement.
She knew nothing of La Leche League, prematurity.org, or even any books to read.
ONE nurse suggested kangaroo care to her. The same nurse that let her actually let the baby nurse. Once. Prior to that and after, they were forcing her to pump and bottle feed, despite telling her to nurse and avoid bottles and formula at home.
I did as much nursing trouble-shooting with her as I could - it sounds like he's latching but has a poor suck reflex. The texts I have suggest hand-expressing slowly, directly into his mouth after letting him attempt to suck. I told her to do that until she got ahold of someone in person at LLL, and to keep calling. They have consultants on-call for after-hours issues too, so just be persistent in calling until someone calls her back or answers.
As far as I'm concerned, what she experienced was not just harried hospital staff in a rush to discharge due to policy/insurance issues. What she experienced was a basic failure of human compassion and an absolute failure on the part of the hospital staff to do. their. goddamn. job.
With "Care" like that, there's no wonder at the fucking infant mortality rate. How can parents do their best for their children if they're not being provided with an education on how to do that? It especially boggles me that someone would dismiss a parent who was actively ASKING for further education! HOW CAN YOU IGNORE SOMEONE WHO IS ASKING FOR HELP IN DISPELLING THEIR IGNORANCE???
So angry. Livid, in fact.
Anyway, yeah. Thank you, State of Florida, for at least having the initiative to provide the resources you do, and the dedication you have to the children, if not the parents. Hat tip in particular to Shands Children's Hospital, Arnold Palmer Women's and Children's hospital, Baptist Medical Center in Jax, The Sebastian Ferrero Foundation, and all the others that I'm missing.
ETA: There is apparently ONE pediatrician's office local to her qualified to deal with son. She called them before messaging me, and was told that she was going to have to wait until his appointment on Monday, that they don't offer a nurse line for questions, and they can't squeeze her in before Monday. I told her she needed to try and find the funds to make the hour drive to another office if at all possible.
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