VERY personal post.

I was going to leave the blog uncluttered today, out of respect for the significance of the day, but there's something that I just can't sit on any longer.  I don't know if I owe this sudden bout of emotional turmoil to PMS or lack of sleep, but whatever the cause, it's here.  I cannot smother it, I cannot deny it, I cannot continue to pretend I don't feel this way.  Not today, anyway.  I'm sure tomorrow or the next day I will be able to go back to fooling myself and everyone else into believing that I'm thick skinned, since I hate admitting that I have any vulnerabilities left.

I have a lot of pregnant friends and acquaintances.  Like, at the start of 2010, 15 people I know were/are slated to deliver.  Six have, already.

Not a single one of them is single.  They have loving, supportive partners who have a vested interest in that little budding life.  Doctors/Midwife appointments are attended together, none of these women long for affection or intimacy, and their pregnancies are celebrated and revered by their partners.

While I am joyous for them, I am also slightly... envious?  Hurt, for certain.  It's not a feeling that holds any malice or ill-will, merely a very personal pain that I usually keep shrouded in the shadows.

Neither of my children got to experience such reverence in-utero.  I was never told I was beautiful, never held, never had my growing belly kissed, never made love to.  My aching, swolen feet were never rubbed with care, my shoulders never massaged.

I was an island.

Sure, I had family and friends who showered me with love and support, but that love is a different animal.

I don't know what it's like to have a partner treasure the life growing inside of me, to be proud and joyful that we created it together.

Granted, that is partly my own fault; Kinder Major's father was not someone I was ever interested in a relationship with, and he was in fact was staunchly against my decision not to terminate.  I went into the pregnancy with her knowing full well that I was on my own.  With Bug's father, things were rocky at the best of times, and abusive at the worst.

However, recognizing that I entered into these pregnancies alone and of my own volition doesn't remove the sting, the longing to know what it's like to have someone to love, to love me, to love us.  I daydream about what it's like to have someone join me in the awe that is listening to that tiny heartbeat, that wonders that are those first visible and tangible kicks and wiggles.  Someone to hold me and dream of what is to come with me.  It doesn't take away the fact that I spent those months alone, untouched and kept company only by the deep, aching need for the simplest affection.

I'm unsure of what the future holds.  Once upon a time, I dreamed of a large family with a partner and many children.  Now I fend off nightmares of making yet another mistake when judging the character of another, of letting someone else close who will only serve to hurt me and my children.  My longing to have someone hold me now, for even a few seconds, so that I might feel protected and safe is far overshadowed by my fear of exposing that vulnerability, and my refusal to let anyone see how weak I really am.

In the mean time, I will tuck this away once more, now that I've let it peek out briefly.  I will watch my friends and acquaintances travel their paths.  I will rejoice with them, I will give my support and love as a friend freely and unfettered, and I will live vicariously through their joy. 

Memorial and Decoration

It's Memorial Day here in the states.  In yesteryears, it was referred to as Decoration Day.

Me?  I prefer to call it Decoration Memorial.  Fair warning, this post may be disjointed and ramble; I lose all eloquence when I'm lost in thought.

So, why Decoration Memorial?

Decoration because of the joy I feel that they are being recognized as the amazing individuals they are.  (And yes, I mean to refer to them in the present.  Their presence continues on as long as we gather together to make sure they are immortalized.)  Decoration because of the memories they have left their families and friends, memories of family gatherings, laughter and love.  Decoration because I realize how blessed I am to have such brave individuals such as themselves that have fought to defend the freedom and safety that the rest of us often take for granted, fought to ensure the same liberties for my children.

And yet, it is still a Memorial.  Memorial because they needed to sacrifice themselves at all.  Memorial, because those families and friends are left with a permanent rift in their lives, missing forever sons and daughters, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, best friends, confidants.  Memorial because the world is short that many more good people, people who were brave and loyal, who loved their country enough to take such a leap into the unknown that comes with defending that which they hold dear.

Today, while many people hang out to enjoy the first day of the social summer, playing in the sun or making memories at parties and gatherings, I sit here feeling a bittersweet sense of pride as I ruminate on those I've known and lost.  School chums, family... I've lost my share.  I've also known my share that didn't perish, and I watch them grapple with the conflicting feelings of pride and guilt that they made it back and the family - yes, family - they risked their lives with, didn't. 

I ask simply that you take a moment out of your celebrations and think a good thought of thanks.  Send it out into the universe in whatever form suits you that you appreciate their valor. 

Flog it, Baby! (FlogYoBlog Friday #4, I think?)

Okay, so, it's Friday in Oz, which is where this blog hop is hosted.  Also, I'd like to think that I will be in bed early tonight, so I'm posting this now instead of after midnight!  This is a list of totally awesome bloggers - go forth, add yourself, read others, enjoy!

1. Follow my blog. (if you haven't already done so) (And Mummy Time's, since this is her baby.)
2. Grab Brenda's bubbly button and post it on your sidebar. 
3. Link your Blog Name and URL below. 
4. Add a short description (max of 125 chars). It could be a description of yourself, your blog or a teaser to your latest post.
5. Follow at least 1 linkyer/blogger (Pay it forward is the name of the game).
6. The list will be open for linkyers on Fridays (I've extended the closing time by the way, to accommodate my non-aussie peeps).
7. A new and fresh link list will open every Friday. And you will have to link up AGAIN. The previous link list does not carry over to the following week.
8. And lastly, have lotsa fun.

Babywearing Bliss

Photodump of Babywearing pics.  The stars of the show (as always,) are Kinder Major - 5 years, 44 lbs and 44" tall; Snow White - 2 years, ~30 lbs; Bug - 17 lbs, 27" tall.  Carriers pictured are: Grey stretchy knit wrap (Affectionately called the "Meby" in my house, standing for "me-made moby,") Cream and blue Kiddie Winkles Designs woven wrap, a black organic "Iris" Ergo carrier, and a grey "Galaxy" Ergo carrier.)

Things-that-are-awesome Thursday!

Woot, it's Thursday!

I have two things that are awesome today.  Number one is a blog I'd like to draw attention to:  The Accidental Environmentalist, home of the Need-A-Bag? project.  The N-A-B? project operates on the same premise as the Need a penny? Take a penny! tray you see everywhere.  Set up at farmers markets, we offer free re-usable shopping bags.  Need a bag, take a bag.  If you want to bring it back next week, great!  If you forget, that's okay too!  We also like donations, both of bags and money.  We're not non-profit, though, and we certainly don't expect donations.  We just don't turn them away if they're offered.

Today was the N-A-B?'s maiden voyage to the High Springs Farmers Market, captained by yours truly.  N-A-B? has a permanent spot at the Alachua County Farmers Market on Saturday mornings, as well.

We're looking for locals to franchise out to the rest of our county's farmers markets, but I'd like ya'll to consider implementing something similar in your area.  Here's the short of it:  Pick up spare bags from friends, family, strangers, yard sales and thrift stores.  You don't want to go and buy new bags specifically for this, but buying used ones from thrift and yard sales is fine.  Wash them, tag them with your mission statement, and offer them to the shoppers for free!  Lather, Rinse, Repeat the weeks following. 

Please comment here or email me at accidentallymommy@gmail.com if you want to know more, and I'll give you the rest of the details. :D

The second thing that is awesome this week?  You.  Yes, YOU.  I want you all to know that I appreciate your presence, your comments, the time you take to read my posts - all of it.  I think you're awesome.

Hump Day Happiness

I'm just all sorts of meme today, it seems.

Truth be told, I'm having a crap day.  As I was sitting here, wallowing in self pity and tea, I saw that Naomi over at Under The Yardarm started a McLinky for Hump Day Happiness.  (Go to her blog to enter and read.) Then I clicked through them, and realized that the time for wallowing was done, and I needed to quickly remember why life doesn't suck.  Then I needed to post it for ya'll to see, share, and perpetuate the meme.

So, here we go.  Happiness on this humpday is...

• A baby who smiles, in spite of getting two teeth in within 24 hours of each other.
• A daughter who is so empathetic and kind that she doesn't hesitate to say to the cashier at the grocery "You look like you have a sad face.  Please don't be sad, I love you!" at five years old.
• Knowing that I have a bottle of wine chilled and waiting for me as a reward if I get my homework done in a timely fashion tonight.
• Amazing, supportive, friendly people like you to surround me, and remind me that I'm not alone.

Wordless Wednesday: Front (rose/flower) garden, 2010